Wow, the passage of time...

Dear friends,
It has been what seems like forever since I wrote anything on here. I was just through my old posts and saw that I last updated this blog before I even went to Boot Camp. Now, I'm out of the Navy, and on my way to get an MBA. Yes, I did get out of the Navy early, but I did receive an honorable discharge. Turns out the Navy wasn't for me, although I do cherish my experiences (good and bad) because it taught me things about myself I might not have figured out as quickly or at all. I don't want to get into the details of my trials and tribulations that brought about my separation because the circumstances still cause me some pain, and I'm working through that.
On a lighter note, I have gotten beyond the "I don't want to do anything because EVERYTHING is hard or a pain" stage, and have gotten a consolidation loan for my embarrassingly high credit card debt and am soon to start that MBA program I mentioned. Other nice things have come my way as well, and while I currently live a pretty boring daily life, my basic needs are met and then some. I live with my grandmother and am within walking distance of my immediate family, so love abounds. I currently have ample time to get my financial issues in order and have made a plan that is already working. I also have been reading lots; everything from fitness magazines to true crime to self-help, and it has all been very enjoyable. The quiet calmness of my life right now is just what I needed, and I am so thankful for unemployment compensation so that I can live decently while searching for a job.
I can't promise I will write here regularly, but maybe I'll get more motivated as time goes by.
Love,
Samara

A Letter From Samara

Hello. My name is Ava, and I'm guest posting on Sam's blog while she is in basic training. Sam and I worked together in Las Vegas for almost three years. It wasn't long before she became like my little sister.



The original plan was for her to mail me her blog posts, and in turn I would post them here for her. I received a letter from her today. While it seems more of a personal letter rather than a blog post, I was so excited to hear from her that I wanted to share it with all of you.

There was a note of encouragement emblazoned on the back (Click the images to enlarge them):



The letter reads as follows:

26 JULY 2009

Ava,

OMG! There's so much going on here. I don't know if I'll be able to actually write anything decent. I really have no time to write, but a ton to talk about. Just know that I'm doing well; just stressed.

I love you. I will start writing you more. I'll write a little every night; I haven't b/c I've been so tired. I'm supposed to graduate September 3rd.

That's all I got for now. It's kind of hard to write stuff today--it's making me too sad.

Love,
Sam

Check out that first class stationary:




And envelope to match!



The return address on the envelope is:

SR BUSH, SAMARA C.
DIV 311 SHIP 14
RECRUIT TRAINING COMMAND
3410 SAILOR DR.
GREAT LAKES, IL 60088-3510

She did not specify whether or not she could receive mail at this address, but I'm sure as heck gonna try. I'm sure she'd love to hear from us all. If you post comments, I will send them with her letter.

The New Chapter Begins...

My latest news is pretty exciting, and a bit nerve-racking (well, a lot nerve-racking). I received a call last Thursday saying my early leave request for Boot Camp came through and I would be leaving July 15th as opposed to September 8th. I know I shouldn't be too surprised or upset by getting the request, but after not hearing anything for a couple months I was definitely shocked. I feel sort of unprepared and I'm sad to have to leave John and my friends so soon. I won't be able to see Doris and Julia in California. I thought I had more time to hang out, relax, and work out. I've been kicking myself for not working out as much as I should have, but at least I was doing some running every week.

I found out yesterday that recruits from Las Vegas fly to Great Lakes on Tuesdays, so I'll actually be leaving a day early, which isn't so bad, but as my Mom said, "It just keeps getting earlier and earlier." (Meaning, of course, that the Navy really is just throwing me in there.) After a couple of days of thinking about everything, I do realize that it's best for me to get this part over with sooner. The sooner I get through this, the sooner I start school, the sooner I get a duty station, the sooner my student loans start getting repaid, the sooner I get paid, and the sooner I can put in an officer package. Plus, I won't have to deal with Boot Camp stuff during the cold (or possibly freezing) temperatures I'm sure are associated with lake effect fall weather north of Chicago. And, last but not least, I don't have time to worry now. All I have time for is action and psyching myself up for the next couple months, telling myself over and over again I can do it, which, I must admit, is way better than worrying so much about it that I decide to do nothing except worry and watch TV.

While I feel 10 times better than I felt last Thursday, I am still nervous and anxious and just plain scared. Anyone that knows me knows that I totally dig on starting new things and going on new adventures, and everyone has been so incredibly supportive. I thank all of you for believing in me and telling me I can do it; that is exactly what I need to hear when my own mind is going back and forth between crazy worrying and intense excitement. Of all my adventures, I know this one will be the most demanding and difficult, and I'm ready for the challenge. I'm ready and I want this and I know I can do it, and, in the end, it will be so completely worth it.

I Have a Bachelor's Degree!

For far too long I have not been able to tell the world I have an education. After graduating college in 2004 I moved back in with my parents. I needed a degree for the job I got at the county, and I felt good about that, but I was still so naive. Trying to talk about school with my friends never worked quite right. They had either not gone or thought it was a waste of time. Talking about with my family never went quite right either. It didn't seem like a big deal to them, and that always upset me because I didn't understand why.

Eventually, I moved to Las Vegas and got my job at the equipment rental company. It wasn't required to have a degree for that job, but it should have been, at least a certain amount of credits and professional experience. Technical writing and creating training material is not exactly entry level work. The main reasons a degree wasn't required were: 1) the higher-ups didn't think writing was very difficult; and 2) the owner didn't care about college degrees because he had 'made' it without one. In fact, we were told to not mention our degrees to anyone, aside from the other employees in our department. College degree bashing was practically company policy; it never failed that at the Christmas Party the owner's son would give a speech rejoicing how they were an un-college educated company.

The trend continues into the present. While where I work now appreciates degrees, and some jobs definitely require them, my job does not. I'm working as a temp in a receptionist/admin-type position. Because of that, talking about college doesn't necessarily come up. I assume most of the other employees have no idea I've gone to school, and wouldn't necessarily think to ask me. I tend to be quiet, and have found I don't enjoy talking about myself quite as much as I used to. Sometimes I get irritated that there is little opportunity to talk about my degree, but more irritated that I feel the others with degrees think I'm uneducated. I now work in a place where degrees are not looked down on, but I have gotten myself into a position where I am not required to use my education.

My old boss says that you already have the life you want. Apparently I want to bitch about no one caring about my college degree. But I am so proud of myself for it!

I love that I have a degree and I love that it's in English. I worked hard while in college to have a good GPA and was proud of myself when I graduated with honors. I took 6 Master's level courses online last year, before going to Greece, and my GPA is 3.85. Hopefully I can finish that in the next 2 years, and keep my awesome GPA. I've always considered myself to be an intelligent person, and having my degree, and the grades I've received, reinforce that concept in my mind. School is one of my proudest accomplishments, and learning the lesson that not everyone cares was a hard one, but I don't need any one else's praise or acknowledgement. I completed school on my own, and I can be proud of myself on my own.

Coming Into My Own? Yes! (With a Little Help from My Friends)

To move on into the future, you must let go of the past. I often thought letting go meant forgetting and never speaking of it again, but that’s not it at all. It means that you accept what has happened, truly accept it, and let yourself learn and grow from it. Whether the events you're holding on to are good or bad, hanging on to something that doesn't exist anymore is only going to make you resent the present, the future, and, most disturbingly, yourself. Good times long ago may make you feel like something is missing now. You may ask yourself why you can't have that same feeling anymore, and become bitter that life is cruel and unfair, leaving you to rot away while you mechanically complete your daily activities. Bad times may haunt you incessantly, and maybe you hold on to them just because they make you feel something. Maybe you didn't know how to deal with it, so you kept it in until it eventually became a part of you, part of how you act and react, while you sit and wonder why you have continued to make the same mistakes.

Accepting what has happened is difficult. I've wanted to hold on to some things more than anything in the world; I would've given up everything just to have it, until I really asked myself if I would do "anything." While on the ferry to Athens to pick up my passport, I thought about how I would do anything to be on vacation forever. I didn't know if my passport would even be at the Embassy, and I was nervous, incredibly nervous. The uncertainty allowed me to truly think about and digest what I was wishing would never end and what I would do anything to keep. I wanted to stay in Greece, the same as I had for the past two and half months; no worries, no responsibilities, who wouldn't want that? But was I willing to give up my passport to have that? In a way it was the ultimate double-edged sword; if my passport wasn't there I would have to stay in Greece, which is what I wanted, but without the freedom. I would literally be stuck there, unable to get home, or any other country for that matter, out of money and alone. If it was there, it meant I had to go back to my normal life, but I would be "unstuck" and around people I know and love once again. The choice was simple; my passport needed to be there, and I wasn't willing to give that up for another week or two of vacation, even if it was one of the most amazing times in my life.

After returning home I was incredibly sad. I had not fulfilled my goal, I was broke, and I had lots and lots of time to think about both my recent and distant pasts. I wanted to go back so bad, I worried it was all for naught and was meaningless, and I started wondering what the hell was wrong with me. Why did I have this urge to run away? What was I running from? In my head I was running from the restrictive social norms present in American society, which is part of it, but definitely not all of it. I am a human being, complete with rational and irrational emotions. What was I really feeling that made this desire to run away so visceral? In my copious amounts of free time I began thinking, at first becoming very upset that my life was meaningless and I was a failure. After that, I started thinking about my past, about people and events that were less than ideal. I started thinking about how those things had made me feel, and about how they were still making me feel, and it wasn't good. I wanted to confront these things and become more powerful than them. I've recently taken the first steps in doing so, publicly proclaiming how an ex-boyfriend and ex-friend made me feel worthless and stupid. I'm not saying that thinking about that doesn't make me sad or mad anymore, but it's much more subdued. Believe me, I have quite a ways to go, but I have a much better outlook. I feel a little more free and little more like myself. I feel more creative and motivated, and I feel like I know I can succeed in all my future endeavors. Whether events in my past were great or terrible, they cannot control my present life. I must learn from it, whatever was good in my past I must strive to have again. Things don't happen to you, you happen to them. Whatever was bad, I must accept it and learn how it has affected me, so I can finally learn how to let it not.

I don't want to count my eggs before they hatch; I know I have a long way to go, and that there will be times I feel hopelessly down in the dumps again. However, this is the first time since I've returned from Greece that the world seems so full of possibility again. For this renewal of faith, I want to thank Doris, whom I visited a few weeks ago in sunny SoCal, for her magnificently positive outlook and for reminding me of my dream to own a beach hotel and bar in Greece. The dream to own such an establishment has given me purpose again; I will work toward this dream in everything I do, which allows me to focus and to let go of the bad stuff a little easier. All of my good friends, my family and John have been great since I've returned; thanks for listening to me cry and complain, for reminding me how great I am (through positive encouragement), and for accepting me and my decisions, no questions asked. It's more appreciated than words can say.

Thoughts from the Past Few Weeks

These days, most of the time, I try to avoid bitching about stuff. It still comes out from time to time, but I’m much more aware of it than I used to be. One of the reasons I haven’t been updating my Facebook account is because the only things I have to say are complaints. I’m in a bit of a mood slump and I really just don’t want to acknowledge it. I’m not quite sure how to get out of it…I try to remain positive and remember that my whole world is going to change in a few months. However, I’m still in the here and now, and I want to enjoy myself. With all that said, maybe just letting go of all of the crap that’s bothering will help me recover from my case of the “blahs.”

The biggest thing that bugs me is that I’m stuck in a gray cubicle with gray walls and floor for 9 hours a day. Now, I’m outside for maybe 45 minutes to an hour during this time, feeding my awful habit I’m too afraid to quit. Yes, I’m afraid to quit. I’m afraid of the mood swings and of screwing up and of feeling like a failure. I’m not super busy at work, so the time goes by slowly, made worse by the fact that I’m surrounded in grayness. That’s more or less just annoying…the real fly in the honey is that I feel below average for me. It sucks knowing that I have a B.A. and for the past 3.5 years I’ve had jobs that basically require a degree. I know this job is only temporary, but it hurts me all the same that I know I’m not living up to my full potential. However, I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place. I don’t want to get too involved with this job and actually “prove” myself because I know I’m leaving. It never hurts to know more about anything, but I don’t want to study stuff dealing with natural gas when I need to be focusing on studying stuff for the Navy (not to mention the physical conditioning I need to work on). An interesting insight I’ve had about myself through this is that I do live for the here and now. I used to worry I didn’t do that; I used to think I was too focused on the future or the past.

Another reason I feel a bit subpar is that I’m less than stellar in my Navy DEP program. I still get winded after only running for 5 minutes, even though I do work out. The stuff I’m supposed to memorize is easy, and I haven’t memorized it. The answer to this is to try harder and just do it, but I lack motivation. I can make excuses for not doing something until the cows come home, but the bottom line is that, at least how it feels to me, I’m lazy and lack discipline.

I’ve made my life into a series of crazy adventures and then I want to have a “normal” life. I know I can’t have the best of both worlds…and I definitely want the crazy life. Certain things go with that, like preparing to do things I’ve never done before, putting myself in a position where everything I know is different and feeling the highest highs and lowest lows. It’s sometimes difficult to reconcile the adventurous life I truly want to lead with a life that’s easier and less demanding. A lot of the pressure I put on myself comes from that exact idea. I want something more, I always want something more, but goddamnit, it’s hard work.

Something interesting that’s been happening is a wave of memories about people from my past; specifically people who I feel have not been the greatest to me. It’s not that pleasant to think about, but these people and events keep randomly popping up in my mind. I almost feel like all these thoughts are surfacing so I can confront them and “let them go” before I get to Boot Camp and a scary RDC is screaming in my face because my eyes are brown. I also think about shitty things I’ve done to people, which has always been 99% unintentional. Usually I was looking to make people laugh and didn’t realize the implications of what I was saying about someone else. And sometimes I was just pissed, usually not at a specific person, but at myself, and that poor person got the brunt of it. I apologize for that and I never meant to hurt anyone. I tend to be passive-aggressive (I dislike and am afraid of conflict), which is annoying to me and other people. I’m working on it, I swear.

I wanted to mention two specific people that have been haunting me lately. The first concerns my first “real” boyfriend. He was an asshole, and not just a typical guy asshole; he was mean, controlling, manipulative, and he threatened me often. I know why I started dating him, but I don’t know why I stayed. I tell myself I was afraid of him. And I remember being afraid of him. If anything, breaking up with him was one of the first big fears I’ve overcome, so there’s that. The issue with him has turned into an issue with myself. Dealing with him has definitely skewed the way I look at men. I don’t think all men are dogs or anything, but I am highly defensive at times around guys I date. If a guy I’m seeing criticizes me, even if he’s just joking, my guard goes up and I immediately begin explaining myself, loudly and with an obnoxious tone. I don’t want to be the first to get hurt, to be the one that loses power, and I hate that I know this kind of reaction is a result of my interactions with this asshole. For the past 8 years I’ve pretended that everything that happened when I went out with him wasn’t worth dissecting any further, and I was wrong. At least I know now that I can acknowledge what happened and realize it’s okay if I feel shitty about it. I don’t want my relationship with him to affect my life any further.

Another person/incident that keeps popping up is something that happened the day I found out Ryan died. My friend decided to spend the day with me, instead of her boyfriend, because she knew I needed someone, and I am grateful and extremely appreciative that she did that. What just irks me to no end is how her boyfriend reacted. Her boyfriend knew Ryan, he didn’t necessarily like him, but he knew him and knew that Ryan and I went out for a year and a half and had broken up only about 6 months prior. However, he acted like it was no big deal and was actually annoyed when my friend decided to stay with me. She was the only good friend I had anywhere near me at the time. Was I supposed to be the bigger man and tell her boyfriend that I was totally okay with dealing with this by myself, 2,500 miles away from anyone else I know that can hug me and tell me it’s okay? I honestly can’t believe, although I believed it at the time and actually felt bad for feeling bad that Ryan died, that someone could be such a dick about something like that. I suppose at the time it was par for the course. My point is that you would think someone would be sensitive to the situation, even if they didn’t say anything and just realized that I needed someone there, not standing there looking pissed off because I was being “needy.” That’s what it felt like; like I was being judged as needy and weak because I just found out my ex-boyfriend died suddenly. Well, fucking excuse me. That particular memory really gets my blood boiling, but this is the first time I've really acknowledged it. So, I just work from here.

Then - A Paradox

I know I haven't written anything in a while...I just don't know what to write about. I think it's time I thought of a theme for this blog, and then add extraneous posts when I feel the need to write about something outside of the scope of the theme. I like words a whole lot...I was thinking of writing posts about certain words, but that can get boring.

For example, I'm really intrigued by the word "then." It's strange because it means something in the past or future (or a statement of fact). For example, in describing the past you might say, "Back then I could run 4 miles." In describing the future you might say, "Until then let's watch TV." So "then" means that time in the past and, also, that time in the future. Philosophically speaking, because "then" is a certain point of time, regardless of whether it's in the past or future, "then" is some all-encompassing entity of all points in time beyond and before the exact present. Which, it can be argued, means that all points in time that are NOT the exact present, are the same. The only time that is "different" is the time right now, right this second...the ever-present present. However, "then" can also be used in a present tense; "Let's go to the movies then." Saying this indicates that in the present you are deciding where to go (which is actually the future, but forget about that right now), and someone declares to just go to the movies. In that present moment, "then" is being used to express a decision made at that same moment (while it actually means the future).

This is why words amaze me...you can philosophize about the simplest word forever (I could go on and on and on about "then"...actually get into dictionary meanings and proper grammatical format...but this is more of a stream-of-consciousness thing).