A Letter From Samara

Hello. My name is Ava, and I'm guest posting on Sam's blog while she is in basic training. Sam and I worked together in Las Vegas for almost three years. It wasn't long before she became like my little sister.



The original plan was for her to mail me her blog posts, and in turn I would post them here for her. I received a letter from her today. While it seems more of a personal letter rather than a blog post, I was so excited to hear from her that I wanted to share it with all of you.

There was a note of encouragement emblazoned on the back (Click the images to enlarge them):



The letter reads as follows:

26 JULY 2009

Ava,

OMG! There's so much going on here. I don't know if I'll be able to actually write anything decent. I really have no time to write, but a ton to talk about. Just know that I'm doing well; just stressed.

I love you. I will start writing you more. I'll write a little every night; I haven't b/c I've been so tired. I'm supposed to graduate September 3rd.

That's all I got for now. It's kind of hard to write stuff today--it's making me too sad.

Love,
Sam

Check out that first class stationary:




And envelope to match!



The return address on the envelope is:

SR BUSH, SAMARA C.
DIV 311 SHIP 14
RECRUIT TRAINING COMMAND
3410 SAILOR DR.
GREAT LAKES, IL 60088-3510

She did not specify whether or not she could receive mail at this address, but I'm sure as heck gonna try. I'm sure she'd love to hear from us all. If you post comments, I will send them with her letter.

The New Chapter Begins...

My latest news is pretty exciting, and a bit nerve-racking (well, a lot nerve-racking). I received a call last Thursday saying my early leave request for Boot Camp came through and I would be leaving July 15th as opposed to September 8th. I know I shouldn't be too surprised or upset by getting the request, but after not hearing anything for a couple months I was definitely shocked. I feel sort of unprepared and I'm sad to have to leave John and my friends so soon. I won't be able to see Doris and Julia in California. I thought I had more time to hang out, relax, and work out. I've been kicking myself for not working out as much as I should have, but at least I was doing some running every week.

I found out yesterday that recruits from Las Vegas fly to Great Lakes on Tuesdays, so I'll actually be leaving a day early, which isn't so bad, but as my Mom said, "It just keeps getting earlier and earlier." (Meaning, of course, that the Navy really is just throwing me in there.) After a couple of days of thinking about everything, I do realize that it's best for me to get this part over with sooner. The sooner I get through this, the sooner I start school, the sooner I get a duty station, the sooner my student loans start getting repaid, the sooner I get paid, and the sooner I can put in an officer package. Plus, I won't have to deal with Boot Camp stuff during the cold (or possibly freezing) temperatures I'm sure are associated with lake effect fall weather north of Chicago. And, last but not least, I don't have time to worry now. All I have time for is action and psyching myself up for the next couple months, telling myself over and over again I can do it, which, I must admit, is way better than worrying so much about it that I decide to do nothing except worry and watch TV.

While I feel 10 times better than I felt last Thursday, I am still nervous and anxious and just plain scared. Anyone that knows me knows that I totally dig on starting new things and going on new adventures, and everyone has been so incredibly supportive. I thank all of you for believing in me and telling me I can do it; that is exactly what I need to hear when my own mind is going back and forth between crazy worrying and intense excitement. Of all my adventures, I know this one will be the most demanding and difficult, and I'm ready for the challenge. I'm ready and I want this and I know I can do it, and, in the end, it will be so completely worth it.

Thoughts from the Past Few Weeks

These days, most of the time, I try to avoid bitching about stuff. It still comes out from time to time, but I’m much more aware of it than I used to be. One of the reasons I haven’t been updating my Facebook account is because the only things I have to say are complaints. I’m in a bit of a mood slump and I really just don’t want to acknowledge it. I’m not quite sure how to get out of it…I try to remain positive and remember that my whole world is going to change in a few months. However, I’m still in the here and now, and I want to enjoy myself. With all that said, maybe just letting go of all of the crap that’s bothering will help me recover from my case of the “blahs.”

The biggest thing that bugs me is that I’m stuck in a gray cubicle with gray walls and floor for 9 hours a day. Now, I’m outside for maybe 45 minutes to an hour during this time, feeding my awful habit I’m too afraid to quit. Yes, I’m afraid to quit. I’m afraid of the mood swings and of screwing up and of feeling like a failure. I’m not super busy at work, so the time goes by slowly, made worse by the fact that I’m surrounded in grayness. That’s more or less just annoying…the real fly in the honey is that I feel below average for me. It sucks knowing that I have a B.A. and for the past 3.5 years I’ve had jobs that basically require a degree. I know this job is only temporary, but it hurts me all the same that I know I’m not living up to my full potential. However, I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place. I don’t want to get too involved with this job and actually “prove” myself because I know I’m leaving. It never hurts to know more about anything, but I don’t want to study stuff dealing with natural gas when I need to be focusing on studying stuff for the Navy (not to mention the physical conditioning I need to work on). An interesting insight I’ve had about myself through this is that I do live for the here and now. I used to worry I didn’t do that; I used to think I was too focused on the future or the past.

Another reason I feel a bit subpar is that I’m less than stellar in my Navy DEP program. I still get winded after only running for 5 minutes, even though I do work out. The stuff I’m supposed to memorize is easy, and I haven’t memorized it. The answer to this is to try harder and just do it, but I lack motivation. I can make excuses for not doing something until the cows come home, but the bottom line is that, at least how it feels to me, I’m lazy and lack discipline.

I’ve made my life into a series of crazy adventures and then I want to have a “normal” life. I know I can’t have the best of both worlds…and I definitely want the crazy life. Certain things go with that, like preparing to do things I’ve never done before, putting myself in a position where everything I know is different and feeling the highest highs and lowest lows. It’s sometimes difficult to reconcile the adventurous life I truly want to lead with a life that’s easier and less demanding. A lot of the pressure I put on myself comes from that exact idea. I want something more, I always want something more, but goddamnit, it’s hard work.

Something interesting that’s been happening is a wave of memories about people from my past; specifically people who I feel have not been the greatest to me. It’s not that pleasant to think about, but these people and events keep randomly popping up in my mind. I almost feel like all these thoughts are surfacing so I can confront them and “let them go” before I get to Boot Camp and a scary RDC is screaming in my face because my eyes are brown. I also think about shitty things I’ve done to people, which has always been 99% unintentional. Usually I was looking to make people laugh and didn’t realize the implications of what I was saying about someone else. And sometimes I was just pissed, usually not at a specific person, but at myself, and that poor person got the brunt of it. I apologize for that and I never meant to hurt anyone. I tend to be passive-aggressive (I dislike and am afraid of conflict), which is annoying to me and other people. I’m working on it, I swear.

I wanted to mention two specific people that have been haunting me lately. The first concerns my first “real” boyfriend. He was an asshole, and not just a typical guy asshole; he was mean, controlling, manipulative, and he threatened me often. I know why I started dating him, but I don’t know why I stayed. I tell myself I was afraid of him. And I remember being afraid of him. If anything, breaking up with him was one of the first big fears I’ve overcome, so there’s that. The issue with him has turned into an issue with myself. Dealing with him has definitely skewed the way I look at men. I don’t think all men are dogs or anything, but I am highly defensive at times around guys I date. If a guy I’m seeing criticizes me, even if he’s just joking, my guard goes up and I immediately begin explaining myself, loudly and with an obnoxious tone. I don’t want to be the first to get hurt, to be the one that loses power, and I hate that I know this kind of reaction is a result of my interactions with this asshole. For the past 8 years I’ve pretended that everything that happened when I went out with him wasn’t worth dissecting any further, and I was wrong. At least I know now that I can acknowledge what happened and realize it’s okay if I feel shitty about it. I don’t want my relationship with him to affect my life any further.

Another person/incident that keeps popping up is something that happened the day I found out Ryan died. My friend decided to spend the day with me, instead of her boyfriend, because she knew I needed someone, and I am grateful and extremely appreciative that she did that. What just irks me to no end is how her boyfriend reacted. Her boyfriend knew Ryan, he didn’t necessarily like him, but he knew him and knew that Ryan and I went out for a year and a half and had broken up only about 6 months prior. However, he acted like it was no big deal and was actually annoyed when my friend decided to stay with me. She was the only good friend I had anywhere near me at the time. Was I supposed to be the bigger man and tell her boyfriend that I was totally okay with dealing with this by myself, 2,500 miles away from anyone else I know that can hug me and tell me it’s okay? I honestly can’t believe, although I believed it at the time and actually felt bad for feeling bad that Ryan died, that someone could be such a dick about something like that. I suppose at the time it was par for the course. My point is that you would think someone would be sensitive to the situation, even if they didn’t say anything and just realized that I needed someone there, not standing there looking pissed off because I was being “needy.” That’s what it felt like; like I was being judged as needy and weak because I just found out my ex-boyfriend died suddenly. Well, fucking excuse me. That particular memory really gets my blood boiling, but this is the first time I've really acknowledged it. So, I just work from here.