Coming Into My Own? Yes! (With a Little Help from My Friends)

To move on into the future, you must let go of the past. I often thought letting go meant forgetting and never speaking of it again, but that’s not it at all. It means that you accept what has happened, truly accept it, and let yourself learn and grow from it. Whether the events you're holding on to are good or bad, hanging on to something that doesn't exist anymore is only going to make you resent the present, the future, and, most disturbingly, yourself. Good times long ago may make you feel like something is missing now. You may ask yourself why you can't have that same feeling anymore, and become bitter that life is cruel and unfair, leaving you to rot away while you mechanically complete your daily activities. Bad times may haunt you incessantly, and maybe you hold on to them just because they make you feel something. Maybe you didn't know how to deal with it, so you kept it in until it eventually became a part of you, part of how you act and react, while you sit and wonder why you have continued to make the same mistakes.

Accepting what has happened is difficult. I've wanted to hold on to some things more than anything in the world; I would've given up everything just to have it, until I really asked myself if I would do "anything." While on the ferry to Athens to pick up my passport, I thought about how I would do anything to be on vacation forever. I didn't know if my passport would even be at the Embassy, and I was nervous, incredibly nervous. The uncertainty allowed me to truly think about and digest what I was wishing would never end and what I would do anything to keep. I wanted to stay in Greece, the same as I had for the past two and half months; no worries, no responsibilities, who wouldn't want that? But was I willing to give up my passport to have that? In a way it was the ultimate double-edged sword; if my passport wasn't there I would have to stay in Greece, which is what I wanted, but without the freedom. I would literally be stuck there, unable to get home, or any other country for that matter, out of money and alone. If it was there, it meant I had to go back to my normal life, but I would be "unstuck" and around people I know and love once again. The choice was simple; my passport needed to be there, and I wasn't willing to give that up for another week or two of vacation, even if it was one of the most amazing times in my life.

After returning home I was incredibly sad. I had not fulfilled my goal, I was broke, and I had lots and lots of time to think about both my recent and distant pasts. I wanted to go back so bad, I worried it was all for naught and was meaningless, and I started wondering what the hell was wrong with me. Why did I have this urge to run away? What was I running from? In my head I was running from the restrictive social norms present in American society, which is part of it, but definitely not all of it. I am a human being, complete with rational and irrational emotions. What was I really feeling that made this desire to run away so visceral? In my copious amounts of free time I began thinking, at first becoming very upset that my life was meaningless and I was a failure. After that, I started thinking about my past, about people and events that were less than ideal. I started thinking about how those things had made me feel, and about how they were still making me feel, and it wasn't good. I wanted to confront these things and become more powerful than them. I've recently taken the first steps in doing so, publicly proclaiming how an ex-boyfriend and ex-friend made me feel worthless and stupid. I'm not saying that thinking about that doesn't make me sad or mad anymore, but it's much more subdued. Believe me, I have quite a ways to go, but I have a much better outlook. I feel a little more free and little more like myself. I feel more creative and motivated, and I feel like I know I can succeed in all my future endeavors. Whether events in my past were great or terrible, they cannot control my present life. I must learn from it, whatever was good in my past I must strive to have again. Things don't happen to you, you happen to them. Whatever was bad, I must accept it and learn how it has affected me, so I can finally learn how to let it not.

I don't want to count my eggs before they hatch; I know I have a long way to go, and that there will be times I feel hopelessly down in the dumps again. However, this is the first time since I've returned from Greece that the world seems so full of possibility again. For this renewal of faith, I want to thank Doris, whom I visited a few weeks ago in sunny SoCal, for her magnificently positive outlook and for reminding me of my dream to own a beach hotel and bar in Greece. The dream to own such an establishment has given me purpose again; I will work toward this dream in everything I do, which allows me to focus and to let go of the bad stuff a little easier. All of my good friends, my family and John have been great since I've returned; thanks for listening to me cry and complain, for reminding me how great I am (through positive encouragement), and for accepting me and my decisions, no questions asked. It's more appreciated than words can say.

Thoughts from the Past Few Weeks

These days, most of the time, I try to avoid bitching about stuff. It still comes out from time to time, but I’m much more aware of it than I used to be. One of the reasons I haven’t been updating my Facebook account is because the only things I have to say are complaints. I’m in a bit of a mood slump and I really just don’t want to acknowledge it. I’m not quite sure how to get out of it…I try to remain positive and remember that my whole world is going to change in a few months. However, I’m still in the here and now, and I want to enjoy myself. With all that said, maybe just letting go of all of the crap that’s bothering will help me recover from my case of the “blahs.”

The biggest thing that bugs me is that I’m stuck in a gray cubicle with gray walls and floor for 9 hours a day. Now, I’m outside for maybe 45 minutes to an hour during this time, feeding my awful habit I’m too afraid to quit. Yes, I’m afraid to quit. I’m afraid of the mood swings and of screwing up and of feeling like a failure. I’m not super busy at work, so the time goes by slowly, made worse by the fact that I’m surrounded in grayness. That’s more or less just annoying…the real fly in the honey is that I feel below average for me. It sucks knowing that I have a B.A. and for the past 3.5 years I’ve had jobs that basically require a degree. I know this job is only temporary, but it hurts me all the same that I know I’m not living up to my full potential. However, I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place. I don’t want to get too involved with this job and actually “prove” myself because I know I’m leaving. It never hurts to know more about anything, but I don’t want to study stuff dealing with natural gas when I need to be focusing on studying stuff for the Navy (not to mention the physical conditioning I need to work on). An interesting insight I’ve had about myself through this is that I do live for the here and now. I used to worry I didn’t do that; I used to think I was too focused on the future or the past.

Another reason I feel a bit subpar is that I’m less than stellar in my Navy DEP program. I still get winded after only running for 5 minutes, even though I do work out. The stuff I’m supposed to memorize is easy, and I haven’t memorized it. The answer to this is to try harder and just do it, but I lack motivation. I can make excuses for not doing something until the cows come home, but the bottom line is that, at least how it feels to me, I’m lazy and lack discipline.

I’ve made my life into a series of crazy adventures and then I want to have a “normal” life. I know I can’t have the best of both worlds…and I definitely want the crazy life. Certain things go with that, like preparing to do things I’ve never done before, putting myself in a position where everything I know is different and feeling the highest highs and lowest lows. It’s sometimes difficult to reconcile the adventurous life I truly want to lead with a life that’s easier and less demanding. A lot of the pressure I put on myself comes from that exact idea. I want something more, I always want something more, but goddamnit, it’s hard work.

Something interesting that’s been happening is a wave of memories about people from my past; specifically people who I feel have not been the greatest to me. It’s not that pleasant to think about, but these people and events keep randomly popping up in my mind. I almost feel like all these thoughts are surfacing so I can confront them and “let them go” before I get to Boot Camp and a scary RDC is screaming in my face because my eyes are brown. I also think about shitty things I’ve done to people, which has always been 99% unintentional. Usually I was looking to make people laugh and didn’t realize the implications of what I was saying about someone else. And sometimes I was just pissed, usually not at a specific person, but at myself, and that poor person got the brunt of it. I apologize for that and I never meant to hurt anyone. I tend to be passive-aggressive (I dislike and am afraid of conflict), which is annoying to me and other people. I’m working on it, I swear.

I wanted to mention two specific people that have been haunting me lately. The first concerns my first “real” boyfriend. He was an asshole, and not just a typical guy asshole; he was mean, controlling, manipulative, and he threatened me often. I know why I started dating him, but I don’t know why I stayed. I tell myself I was afraid of him. And I remember being afraid of him. If anything, breaking up with him was one of the first big fears I’ve overcome, so there’s that. The issue with him has turned into an issue with myself. Dealing with him has definitely skewed the way I look at men. I don’t think all men are dogs or anything, but I am highly defensive at times around guys I date. If a guy I’m seeing criticizes me, even if he’s just joking, my guard goes up and I immediately begin explaining myself, loudly and with an obnoxious tone. I don’t want to be the first to get hurt, to be the one that loses power, and I hate that I know this kind of reaction is a result of my interactions with this asshole. For the past 8 years I’ve pretended that everything that happened when I went out with him wasn’t worth dissecting any further, and I was wrong. At least I know now that I can acknowledge what happened and realize it’s okay if I feel shitty about it. I don’t want my relationship with him to affect my life any further.

Another person/incident that keeps popping up is something that happened the day I found out Ryan died. My friend decided to spend the day with me, instead of her boyfriend, because she knew I needed someone, and I am grateful and extremely appreciative that she did that. What just irks me to no end is how her boyfriend reacted. Her boyfriend knew Ryan, he didn’t necessarily like him, but he knew him and knew that Ryan and I went out for a year and a half and had broken up only about 6 months prior. However, he acted like it was no big deal and was actually annoyed when my friend decided to stay with me. She was the only good friend I had anywhere near me at the time. Was I supposed to be the bigger man and tell her boyfriend that I was totally okay with dealing with this by myself, 2,500 miles away from anyone else I know that can hug me and tell me it’s okay? I honestly can’t believe, although I believed it at the time and actually felt bad for feeling bad that Ryan died, that someone could be such a dick about something like that. I suppose at the time it was par for the course. My point is that you would think someone would be sensitive to the situation, even if they didn’t say anything and just realized that I needed someone there, not standing there looking pissed off because I was being “needy.” That’s what it felt like; like I was being judged as needy and weak because I just found out my ex-boyfriend died suddenly. Well, fucking excuse me. That particular memory really gets my blood boiling, but this is the first time I've really acknowledged it. So, I just work from here.