Coming Into My Own? Yes! (With a Little Help from My Friends)

To move on into the future, you must let go of the past. I often thought letting go meant forgetting and never speaking of it again, but that’s not it at all. It means that you accept what has happened, truly accept it, and let yourself learn and grow from it. Whether the events you're holding on to are good or bad, hanging on to something that doesn't exist anymore is only going to make you resent the present, the future, and, most disturbingly, yourself. Good times long ago may make you feel like something is missing now. You may ask yourself why you can't have that same feeling anymore, and become bitter that life is cruel and unfair, leaving you to rot away while you mechanically complete your daily activities. Bad times may haunt you incessantly, and maybe you hold on to them just because they make you feel something. Maybe you didn't know how to deal with it, so you kept it in until it eventually became a part of you, part of how you act and react, while you sit and wonder why you have continued to make the same mistakes.

Accepting what has happened is difficult. I've wanted to hold on to some things more than anything in the world; I would've given up everything just to have it, until I really asked myself if I would do "anything." While on the ferry to Athens to pick up my passport, I thought about how I would do anything to be on vacation forever. I didn't know if my passport would even be at the Embassy, and I was nervous, incredibly nervous. The uncertainty allowed me to truly think about and digest what I was wishing would never end and what I would do anything to keep. I wanted to stay in Greece, the same as I had for the past two and half months; no worries, no responsibilities, who wouldn't want that? But was I willing to give up my passport to have that? In a way it was the ultimate double-edged sword; if my passport wasn't there I would have to stay in Greece, which is what I wanted, but without the freedom. I would literally be stuck there, unable to get home, or any other country for that matter, out of money and alone. If it was there, it meant I had to go back to my normal life, but I would be "unstuck" and around people I know and love once again. The choice was simple; my passport needed to be there, and I wasn't willing to give that up for another week or two of vacation, even if it was one of the most amazing times in my life.

After returning home I was incredibly sad. I had not fulfilled my goal, I was broke, and I had lots and lots of time to think about both my recent and distant pasts. I wanted to go back so bad, I worried it was all for naught and was meaningless, and I started wondering what the hell was wrong with me. Why did I have this urge to run away? What was I running from? In my head I was running from the restrictive social norms present in American society, which is part of it, but definitely not all of it. I am a human being, complete with rational and irrational emotions. What was I really feeling that made this desire to run away so visceral? In my copious amounts of free time I began thinking, at first becoming very upset that my life was meaningless and I was a failure. After that, I started thinking about my past, about people and events that were less than ideal. I started thinking about how those things had made me feel, and about how they were still making me feel, and it wasn't good. I wanted to confront these things and become more powerful than them. I've recently taken the first steps in doing so, publicly proclaiming how an ex-boyfriend and ex-friend made me feel worthless and stupid. I'm not saying that thinking about that doesn't make me sad or mad anymore, but it's much more subdued. Believe me, I have quite a ways to go, but I have a much better outlook. I feel a little more free and little more like myself. I feel more creative and motivated, and I feel like I know I can succeed in all my future endeavors. Whether events in my past were great or terrible, they cannot control my present life. I must learn from it, whatever was good in my past I must strive to have again. Things don't happen to you, you happen to them. Whatever was bad, I must accept it and learn how it has affected me, so I can finally learn how to let it not.

I don't want to count my eggs before they hatch; I know I have a long way to go, and that there will be times I feel hopelessly down in the dumps again. However, this is the first time since I've returned from Greece that the world seems so full of possibility again. For this renewal of faith, I want to thank Doris, whom I visited a few weeks ago in sunny SoCal, for her magnificently positive outlook and for reminding me of my dream to own a beach hotel and bar in Greece. The dream to own such an establishment has given me purpose again; I will work toward this dream in everything I do, which allows me to focus and to let go of the bad stuff a little easier. All of my good friends, my family and John have been great since I've returned; thanks for listening to me cry and complain, for reminding me how great I am (through positive encouragement), and for accepting me and my decisions, no questions asked. It's more appreciated than words can say.