The Matrix IS Real

There is a cat that hangs out on the back porches of all the townhouses in my particular tract (Building 8). I'm 99% positive this cat is a stray. The cat is white and fluffy, with fur that's kind of dirty and a little matted. In my experience, dirty, white, and fluffy cats are bitches. I used to have one...her name was Rascal. Not only was she bitchy, but she was a slut. In fact, she was such a sex fiend that she had kittens with her own kitten. And those kittens were retarded. Not severely, but they never grew very big and acted strange. (I know cats usually act strange, but stranger than the normal amount of strangeness.) But my bitchy, slutty cat has nothing to do with this.

So, there's this white cat. I've been here since September 2007. I've seen that cat a million times. I've only ever seen that particular white, fluffy cat. And then, this past New Year's Eve, I saw two dirty, white, and fluffy cats hanging out near our neighbor's back porch. It reminded of that scene in The Matrix when Neo sees that black cat walking by the doorway twice. So, I come inside and tell John that there's just been a glitch in the matrix. I tell him what happened and he laughs. It just seemed so appropriate being New Year's Eve and everything. Since then, I have not seen the original white cat's doppelganger. I determined it really was a glitch in the matrix, but at that point I really had no idea about how right I was.

Fast forward to a few days ago. We see the white cat sitting at the front of John's parking space as we return from the grocery store. As we pulled into the space the cat ran off and I asked John if he remembered when I witnessed the glitch in the matrix. Jokingly, John said he wished the cat had never even existed. I said he just tell the guy who invented the matrix to make the cat so that it had not existed. We had a laugh. We went inside. I came back out to smoke a cigarette about an hour later. I'm just standing outside my front door, minding my own business, when I see this BLACK fluffy cat come out of the bushes. And I have not seen the white cat since.

We are in the matrix. Believe it. The cats don't lie.

Thinking About Stuff...

I know, I know...the title doesn't really give any clues about anything. I've been at a loss for what to write. I keep trying to think of things and nothing is really striking my fancy. I do know that I think about a lot of stuff ALL THE TIME. I just don't know how to organize it. I wish I could file stuff in my head like you do in a computer...it would be quite the file structure. But, alas, brains don't do things that way. And, my thoughts are always overlapping, so I don't know how to keep things focused. I can go from thinking about my car, to thinking about my time in Greece, to thinking about work (where I am now and Ahern), to what I need to do when I get home, to beating myself up for not working out the past 2 days, etc, etc in less than 5 minutes. I have no idea how the thoughts connect. Well, I have an idea, but that's too much to put in here.

I feel like I always want to do so much. Or that I need to do so much. And if I don't do it, then I'll have hell to pay (from myself). I feel like I put pressure on myself and that it's not constructive. I mean, I feel bad if I don't do something I told myself to do. I don't want to do that anymore. I want to have my goals and do them, but allow myself the flexibility. If I'm too rigid I won't do anything (the same if I'm too lax). I guess I feel overwhelmed by my thoughts and thought process because I don't allow the way they work (as in they come and go in the blink of an eye) in the PLAN I have for myself. And I can't really even tell you my plan, other than the obvious things (i.e. I'm going to Boot Camp in September).

In terms of thoughts, that is where I am. That is where I have been for a long time. It's time for an upgrade.

Kind Of Trite, I Know

So, I went through ALL my clothes. I have about half a regular-sized garbage full to give away. I threw away a couple things. I needed to find clothes that are "business casual" for my new job. I have quite a few things, but the problem is (not that's it's a real problem) that they all old. I got some of the stuff when I was in college and just after. The clothes are still in good shape, but, you know, I've had them a long time. Also, I lost quite a bit of weight, so some stuff is big on me. (I'm definitely not complaining about that.) I got rid of all the stuff that's way too big, however, I still feel as though I'm swimming in some of the clothes. I have quite a few sweaters that can pass as "business casual," and, luckily, sweaters always look kind of big on people, so that's cool. My issue is, when you get right down to it, I want some new clothes. I want like 4-5 pants/skirts and like 10-12 new shirts. Plus, I want a pair of closed-toe brown and beige shoes and a black pair. I need underwear, bras, and knee highs. I have a couple things that need to get hemmed. So, I want to find a place to do that. Also, I need my hair trimmed. Normally, I don't really care about any of this, but I really don't feel comfortable in many of the clothes I tried on. I do have a great pair of gray slacks, though. Plus, I have this great brown blazer (however, I do not have a skirt or pair of pants to match). I know going nuts and getting new clothes is not the best idea ever. I will probably lose more weight (which is awesome) and I am leaving for the Navy in 6.5 months. Plus, I have no money at the moment. I want something though (and more than just underwear). Dammit.

P.S. I'm really not complaining about losing weight. I just wish I had some money to buy a few cute things at Target.

I Love Punk Rock

I recently burned a CD of various Pennywise songs and I have to say, I love it. I've listened to a few Pennywise songs before, but only because John listens to them. I decided to burn the CD and listen to it over and over again in my car, which is normally how I learn the words of songs. What I love about punk rock is how it grows on me. Sometimes it's difficult to understand what they're singing, but after 3-4 times, you can make out most of the words. And I'm always impressed by what punk rockers have to say. For example, the song "Same Old Story" by Pennywise has this great chorus:

"I'm not cut from the same mold
Don't know who you think I should be
I'm not cut from the same mold
I don't read from the same old story
I'm not cut from the same mold
Done with yours, I'm living life for me."

I still wonder how I missed out on punk rock as a teenager (well, I listened to it a little, but it was very little). It's angry, poignant, and it can truly put into words ways I've felt or feel now. The example I gave generally expresses how I've felt I "fit in" with others since I was about 15 years old. I still feel this way. I love that I keep finding songs and bands that I can relate to like this. It's life-affirming.

March 1, 2009

This is the day I'm choosing to quit smoking. It's actually hard for me to say I'm actually picking that day instead of "thinking about" picking that day. I've smoked for about 10 years. When I was 17 I wanted to be "cool" and "bad," so I decided to start smoking. I don't remember a time when I didn't need/want a cigarette. I've thought about quitting for over a year now, but always made an excuse about it. You know, something about how my life was too stressful to quit...it would be too hard. Well, I've come to the conclusion that it will be hard no matter when I quit. And while I've felt some physical effects of cigarettes for awhile (yucky taste in my mouth, coughing, and actually being able to feel my limited lung capacity when I'm working out), they haven't been motivation enough. Now, however, I really feel like I NEED to quit. I NEED to be able to RUN 1.5 miles in 16 minutes. Right now I can run a little, but mostly walk (while being very winded) 1.5 miles in a little less than 20 minutes. I can't smoke in Boot Camp, and that's 8-9 weeks. I really don't think I need to deal with withdrawal symptoms while I'm getting yelled at for not having a perfect hospital corner on my sheet.

I'm nervous about quitting, even though I know I will feel 100 times better. It's been a part of me for a really long time, and it'll be difficult to let that part of me go. For me, it's not just the addiction to nicotine...it's everything. I smoke almost everywhere except in people's houses and non-smoking places. Many things are triggers for me. This experience is essentially going to suck, but I really need to do this. I thought about limiting the # of cigarettes I smoke and working myself down to zero, but when I think of that plan I can tell I may be unable to give up my morning cigarette. I think I need to just quit smoking all together and get nicotine gum. I'll probably need like a month where I only go to non-smoking places, and I won't be able to go anywhere where there's easy access to smoking. So, not only is this about quitting smoking, it's about changing my lifestyle (at least for awhile), which makes this task seem even more difficult. I'm ready to cry right now thinking about it.

Floppy and Scooting: A Forum

Floppy is a great word. Think about a person being floppy. What exactly would that entail? Would they act like a fish out of water, and, perhaps more importantly, why would they be acting that way? It's an amusing image. Maybe a floppy person is someone who is really, really fat. And they kind of flop from place to place to get around. How could "floppy" be a personality trait? I suppose it could be someone who flip-flops on decisions, as in, they can't make up their mind. What do you think?

Scooting is also a fabulous word. You can scoot to get closer to something or someone. Personally, I like the word best when it's used to describe a car "scooting" closer to the main road while it's at a stop sign or coming out of a parking lot. Also, is "scooting" the term used to describe what you are doing when you ride a scooter? Do people say, "Let's go scooting" or "Let's go for a scoot"? If they don't, they should.

Now, is there anytime "floppy" and "scooting" can both be used in the same sentence? I suppose you could have a fat person riding a scooter, and the situation is not going well. For example, "That guy is trying to go scooting, but is entirely too floppy to get around with any efficiency." What examples can you think of?

My Student Loan Help Idea

I couldn't really sleep last night, so I started thinking about my student loan help/relief idea. Like I said in a prior post, it would be a non-profit organization. I would like to set up some kind of tutoring facility. We would tutor kids from 6th-7th grade to 12th grade, plus have writing help for college kids. Maybe even some kind of study help (I think having tutoring on college subjects would be too big of an area...at least to begin with.) There could be English as a Second Language program, maybe even some basic Spanish. I would also like classes/seminars for people of all ages to learn more about basic finance, time management, goal setting, etc. Most programs would have to cost something, but I would like to keep it at the lower end of the average if possible, maybe even have some kind of program to reduce costs (either for financial reasons, or the participant volunteers time at the facility). We would offer some free courses (with a minimum donation of $1 or something). Also, I would like to have student loan counselors. People that help kids decipher student loans before, during, and after college. Find ways to help people manage payments. I don't know anything about how business works, especially non-profit stuff, but I imagine it's possible to get some federal/government grants to at least help you begin the business. Obviously we would need paid full-time employees, and I would definitely want to have health care available to them, but I think a lot of work may get done by volunteers or college students who can use it as work study, internship, or as a part-time job. They wouldn't get paid a whole lot, but enough for some spending or saving. I also thought it would be neat to have different fundraisers. We could organize walks, sales from those different catalog programs, an online donation center, straight donations, etc. I would want to work closely with other non-profits in the community in order to strengthen our forces and show community spirit. I was even thinking of having items in vending machines (at the facility) cost a little more (maybe 10-25 cents more) that would be part of the overall donations. Like I said, I have no idea how this works. I need to do some serious research, and this idea probably wouldn't become a reality for a few years. However, I really like this idea and am looking forward to learning more about business and to see if this is even feasible. It would have to start out small, but I think an ultimate goal would be to have $500,000+ available to give away annually for student loan relief and smaller percentage of that total for regular scholarships. Regular scholarships would be handed out like most scholarships...it would be based on school performance, financial need, and a personal essay. The student loan relief would be handled differently, but some kind of measures would have to be in place. We would handle any kind of schooling (undergrad, graduate, technical, law, medical, etc.) For the employees I would also like some kind of special program for themselves or their loved ones where they can get funds for education (tuition assistance, special college savings fund, etc.). Our mission statement would include the idea that education is vital, and everyone who wants the chance to go to college deserves it, without being put off by financial factors.

Ridiculous True Story #1

Ridiculous True Stories are going to consist of exactly what the title implies.

I was somewhere between the ages of 13 and 15. It was a Saturday or Sunday morning, probably Sunday, and my Mom had made pancakes for breakfast. I remember the day being sunny and there was a joviality in the air. My brother and I (not my oldest brother, the other one, who is older than me) were the only ones left at the table. There were 2-3 pancakes left on the pancake plate (which was just a regular plate used to transport pancakes from the griddle to the center of the table). Zach, my brother, wanted them. I wanted them. It was going to be an epic battle. I'm not sure why we couldn't share, but rational thought was obviously not an option. Before I could grab the delicious flapjacks, Zach picked one up and licked it. I was not deterred. I grabbed all of them and put them on my plate. And I ate them. Victory was mine!

Fitness Goals

I need to write these out. I have not been following them the past week and I can definitely feel it. It's amazing how much you can feel your body change. For example, I probably put back on 2 pounds and I feel blah. Plus, I've noticed my face is not as clear as it was before. So, starting tomorrow (when I go to the grocery store), I will buy food that is good for me and start my healthy diet again. Plus, I will begin working out for an hour a day again. My diet will be strict like it was before, but only until I get back to where I was a week ago. After that, I will be less of food Nazi with myself. Also, I need to go to the grocery store when we are out of good food. It doesn't matter if I don't want to go. You see, what happens when there is no good food in the house, is that we go out to eat or get fast food, and that is just awful. I'm trying really hard not to beat myself up about being a total sluggy sloth this week, but I need to give myself some positive discipline (whatever that means...I just made it up). And, I need to get myself used to running. One of my first purchases once I have a job will be good running sneakers. So, yeah, I need to have a chart or something, but, like I said before, to not be a Nazi about food or exercise time. If I don't enjoy it, I won't do it, and then I will feel like I do now.

So It Begins...

I want to do this. I want to have a blog and learn all about blogging. I want a forum for my ideas and see if there is a pattern to all the crazy thoughts in my head. I want this to help me organize my thoughts. I wake up some days with so much running through my head and have no idea where to start. Sometimes I never really do. And feeling overwhelmed when you're unemployed just doesn't make sense to me. I can be stressed, but not overwhelmed.

I've been applying to jobs like crazy...there is nothing out there, not really. I'm hoping February is my lucky month. Let's cross our fingers. I did my taxes today. I'm getting a nice amount back, and that should keep me afloat another month. I need to register my car in April and that's going to cost a pretty penny because Nevada bases your registration costs on the value of your car. Now, it'll be less than last year, but probably still about $300. I need to send the forbearance paperwork to my student loan providers, plus the paperwork for the student loan repayment plan the Navy does (which is a huge reason I decided to join). I've promised the universe that once I have a grip on this financial mess I'm in, I will work as hard as possible to get out of and stay out of debt.

I really want to have enough money and ambition to one day start a non-profit organization that helps college grads in situations like my own. It would be "scholarships" for those who already graduated, and they don't have to be in graduate school, to help with the costs of student loans. Entry level pay, in my experience, can pay for most bills, but it doesn't allow you to pay any extra on principle or to save any decent amount (like enough for 3 months of pay in case you lose your job). I admit I could've been smarter with my money. I could've been more frugal. But, to tell you the truth, I've beat myself up over that for the past 3 months and it hasn't fixed any of my financial problems. So, anyway, I would one day like to be able to help those in the same situation I'm in now. Education is important, and no one should ever feel their education wasn't worth it because of loan issues.