A Letter From Samara

Hello. My name is Ava, and I'm guest posting on Sam's blog while she is in basic training. Sam and I worked together in Las Vegas for almost three years. It wasn't long before she became like my little sister.



The original plan was for her to mail me her blog posts, and in turn I would post them here for her. I received a letter from her today. While it seems more of a personal letter rather than a blog post, I was so excited to hear from her that I wanted to share it with all of you.

There was a note of encouragement emblazoned on the back (Click the images to enlarge them):



The letter reads as follows:

26 JULY 2009

Ava,

OMG! There's so much going on here. I don't know if I'll be able to actually write anything decent. I really have no time to write, but a ton to talk about. Just know that I'm doing well; just stressed.

I love you. I will start writing you more. I'll write a little every night; I haven't b/c I've been so tired. I'm supposed to graduate September 3rd.

That's all I got for now. It's kind of hard to write stuff today--it's making me too sad.

Love,
Sam

Check out that first class stationary:




And envelope to match!



The return address on the envelope is:

SR BUSH, SAMARA C.
DIV 311 SHIP 14
RECRUIT TRAINING COMMAND
3410 SAILOR DR.
GREAT LAKES, IL 60088-3510

She did not specify whether or not she could receive mail at this address, but I'm sure as heck gonna try. I'm sure she'd love to hear from us all. If you post comments, I will send them with her letter.

The New Chapter Begins...

My latest news is pretty exciting, and a bit nerve-racking (well, a lot nerve-racking). I received a call last Thursday saying my early leave request for Boot Camp came through and I would be leaving July 15th as opposed to September 8th. I know I shouldn't be too surprised or upset by getting the request, but after not hearing anything for a couple months I was definitely shocked. I feel sort of unprepared and I'm sad to have to leave John and my friends so soon. I won't be able to see Doris and Julia in California. I thought I had more time to hang out, relax, and work out. I've been kicking myself for not working out as much as I should have, but at least I was doing some running every week.

I found out yesterday that recruits from Las Vegas fly to Great Lakes on Tuesdays, so I'll actually be leaving a day early, which isn't so bad, but as my Mom said, "It just keeps getting earlier and earlier." (Meaning, of course, that the Navy really is just throwing me in there.) After a couple of days of thinking about everything, I do realize that it's best for me to get this part over with sooner. The sooner I get through this, the sooner I start school, the sooner I get a duty station, the sooner my student loans start getting repaid, the sooner I get paid, and the sooner I can put in an officer package. Plus, I won't have to deal with Boot Camp stuff during the cold (or possibly freezing) temperatures I'm sure are associated with lake effect fall weather north of Chicago. And, last but not least, I don't have time to worry now. All I have time for is action and psyching myself up for the next couple months, telling myself over and over again I can do it, which, I must admit, is way better than worrying so much about it that I decide to do nothing except worry and watch TV.

While I feel 10 times better than I felt last Thursday, I am still nervous and anxious and just plain scared. Anyone that knows me knows that I totally dig on starting new things and going on new adventures, and everyone has been so incredibly supportive. I thank all of you for believing in me and telling me I can do it; that is exactly what I need to hear when my own mind is going back and forth between crazy worrying and intense excitement. Of all my adventures, I know this one will be the most demanding and difficult, and I'm ready for the challenge. I'm ready and I want this and I know I can do it, and, in the end, it will be so completely worth it.

I Have a Bachelor's Degree!

For far too long I have not been able to tell the world I have an education. After graduating college in 2004 I moved back in with my parents. I needed a degree for the job I got at the county, and I felt good about that, but I was still so naive. Trying to talk about school with my friends never worked quite right. They had either not gone or thought it was a waste of time. Talking about with my family never went quite right either. It didn't seem like a big deal to them, and that always upset me because I didn't understand why.

Eventually, I moved to Las Vegas and got my job at the equipment rental company. It wasn't required to have a degree for that job, but it should have been, at least a certain amount of credits and professional experience. Technical writing and creating training material is not exactly entry level work. The main reasons a degree wasn't required were: 1) the higher-ups didn't think writing was very difficult; and 2) the owner didn't care about college degrees because he had 'made' it without one. In fact, we were told to not mention our degrees to anyone, aside from the other employees in our department. College degree bashing was practically company policy; it never failed that at the Christmas Party the owner's son would give a speech rejoicing how they were an un-college educated company.

The trend continues into the present. While where I work now appreciates degrees, and some jobs definitely require them, my job does not. I'm working as a temp in a receptionist/admin-type position. Because of that, talking about college doesn't necessarily come up. I assume most of the other employees have no idea I've gone to school, and wouldn't necessarily think to ask me. I tend to be quiet, and have found I don't enjoy talking about myself quite as much as I used to. Sometimes I get irritated that there is little opportunity to talk about my degree, but more irritated that I feel the others with degrees think I'm uneducated. I now work in a place where degrees are not looked down on, but I have gotten myself into a position where I am not required to use my education.

My old boss says that you already have the life you want. Apparently I want to bitch about no one caring about my college degree. But I am so proud of myself for it!

I love that I have a degree and I love that it's in English. I worked hard while in college to have a good GPA and was proud of myself when I graduated with honors. I took 6 Master's level courses online last year, before going to Greece, and my GPA is 3.85. Hopefully I can finish that in the next 2 years, and keep my awesome GPA. I've always considered myself to be an intelligent person, and having my degree, and the grades I've received, reinforce that concept in my mind. School is one of my proudest accomplishments, and learning the lesson that not everyone cares was a hard one, but I don't need any one else's praise or acknowledgement. I completed school on my own, and I can be proud of myself on my own.

Coming Into My Own? Yes! (With a Little Help from My Friends)

To move on into the future, you must let go of the past. I often thought letting go meant forgetting and never speaking of it again, but that’s not it at all. It means that you accept what has happened, truly accept it, and let yourself learn and grow from it. Whether the events you're holding on to are good or bad, hanging on to something that doesn't exist anymore is only going to make you resent the present, the future, and, most disturbingly, yourself. Good times long ago may make you feel like something is missing now. You may ask yourself why you can't have that same feeling anymore, and become bitter that life is cruel and unfair, leaving you to rot away while you mechanically complete your daily activities. Bad times may haunt you incessantly, and maybe you hold on to them just because they make you feel something. Maybe you didn't know how to deal with it, so you kept it in until it eventually became a part of you, part of how you act and react, while you sit and wonder why you have continued to make the same mistakes.

Accepting what has happened is difficult. I've wanted to hold on to some things more than anything in the world; I would've given up everything just to have it, until I really asked myself if I would do "anything." While on the ferry to Athens to pick up my passport, I thought about how I would do anything to be on vacation forever. I didn't know if my passport would even be at the Embassy, and I was nervous, incredibly nervous. The uncertainty allowed me to truly think about and digest what I was wishing would never end and what I would do anything to keep. I wanted to stay in Greece, the same as I had for the past two and half months; no worries, no responsibilities, who wouldn't want that? But was I willing to give up my passport to have that? In a way it was the ultimate double-edged sword; if my passport wasn't there I would have to stay in Greece, which is what I wanted, but without the freedom. I would literally be stuck there, unable to get home, or any other country for that matter, out of money and alone. If it was there, it meant I had to go back to my normal life, but I would be "unstuck" and around people I know and love once again. The choice was simple; my passport needed to be there, and I wasn't willing to give that up for another week or two of vacation, even if it was one of the most amazing times in my life.

After returning home I was incredibly sad. I had not fulfilled my goal, I was broke, and I had lots and lots of time to think about both my recent and distant pasts. I wanted to go back so bad, I worried it was all for naught and was meaningless, and I started wondering what the hell was wrong with me. Why did I have this urge to run away? What was I running from? In my head I was running from the restrictive social norms present in American society, which is part of it, but definitely not all of it. I am a human being, complete with rational and irrational emotions. What was I really feeling that made this desire to run away so visceral? In my copious amounts of free time I began thinking, at first becoming very upset that my life was meaningless and I was a failure. After that, I started thinking about my past, about people and events that were less than ideal. I started thinking about how those things had made me feel, and about how they were still making me feel, and it wasn't good. I wanted to confront these things and become more powerful than them. I've recently taken the first steps in doing so, publicly proclaiming how an ex-boyfriend and ex-friend made me feel worthless and stupid. I'm not saying that thinking about that doesn't make me sad or mad anymore, but it's much more subdued. Believe me, I have quite a ways to go, but I have a much better outlook. I feel a little more free and little more like myself. I feel more creative and motivated, and I feel like I know I can succeed in all my future endeavors. Whether events in my past were great or terrible, they cannot control my present life. I must learn from it, whatever was good in my past I must strive to have again. Things don't happen to you, you happen to them. Whatever was bad, I must accept it and learn how it has affected me, so I can finally learn how to let it not.

I don't want to count my eggs before they hatch; I know I have a long way to go, and that there will be times I feel hopelessly down in the dumps again. However, this is the first time since I've returned from Greece that the world seems so full of possibility again. For this renewal of faith, I want to thank Doris, whom I visited a few weeks ago in sunny SoCal, for her magnificently positive outlook and for reminding me of my dream to own a beach hotel and bar in Greece. The dream to own such an establishment has given me purpose again; I will work toward this dream in everything I do, which allows me to focus and to let go of the bad stuff a little easier. All of my good friends, my family and John have been great since I've returned; thanks for listening to me cry and complain, for reminding me how great I am (through positive encouragement), and for accepting me and my decisions, no questions asked. It's more appreciated than words can say.

Thoughts from the Past Few Weeks

These days, most of the time, I try to avoid bitching about stuff. It still comes out from time to time, but I’m much more aware of it than I used to be. One of the reasons I haven’t been updating my Facebook account is because the only things I have to say are complaints. I’m in a bit of a mood slump and I really just don’t want to acknowledge it. I’m not quite sure how to get out of it…I try to remain positive and remember that my whole world is going to change in a few months. However, I’m still in the here and now, and I want to enjoy myself. With all that said, maybe just letting go of all of the crap that’s bothering will help me recover from my case of the “blahs.”

The biggest thing that bugs me is that I’m stuck in a gray cubicle with gray walls and floor for 9 hours a day. Now, I’m outside for maybe 45 minutes to an hour during this time, feeding my awful habit I’m too afraid to quit. Yes, I’m afraid to quit. I’m afraid of the mood swings and of screwing up and of feeling like a failure. I’m not super busy at work, so the time goes by slowly, made worse by the fact that I’m surrounded in grayness. That’s more or less just annoying…the real fly in the honey is that I feel below average for me. It sucks knowing that I have a B.A. and for the past 3.5 years I’ve had jobs that basically require a degree. I know this job is only temporary, but it hurts me all the same that I know I’m not living up to my full potential. However, I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place. I don’t want to get too involved with this job and actually “prove” myself because I know I’m leaving. It never hurts to know more about anything, but I don’t want to study stuff dealing with natural gas when I need to be focusing on studying stuff for the Navy (not to mention the physical conditioning I need to work on). An interesting insight I’ve had about myself through this is that I do live for the here and now. I used to worry I didn’t do that; I used to think I was too focused on the future or the past.

Another reason I feel a bit subpar is that I’m less than stellar in my Navy DEP program. I still get winded after only running for 5 minutes, even though I do work out. The stuff I’m supposed to memorize is easy, and I haven’t memorized it. The answer to this is to try harder and just do it, but I lack motivation. I can make excuses for not doing something until the cows come home, but the bottom line is that, at least how it feels to me, I’m lazy and lack discipline.

I’ve made my life into a series of crazy adventures and then I want to have a “normal” life. I know I can’t have the best of both worlds…and I definitely want the crazy life. Certain things go with that, like preparing to do things I’ve never done before, putting myself in a position where everything I know is different and feeling the highest highs and lowest lows. It’s sometimes difficult to reconcile the adventurous life I truly want to lead with a life that’s easier and less demanding. A lot of the pressure I put on myself comes from that exact idea. I want something more, I always want something more, but goddamnit, it’s hard work.

Something interesting that’s been happening is a wave of memories about people from my past; specifically people who I feel have not been the greatest to me. It’s not that pleasant to think about, but these people and events keep randomly popping up in my mind. I almost feel like all these thoughts are surfacing so I can confront them and “let them go” before I get to Boot Camp and a scary RDC is screaming in my face because my eyes are brown. I also think about shitty things I’ve done to people, which has always been 99% unintentional. Usually I was looking to make people laugh and didn’t realize the implications of what I was saying about someone else. And sometimes I was just pissed, usually not at a specific person, but at myself, and that poor person got the brunt of it. I apologize for that and I never meant to hurt anyone. I tend to be passive-aggressive (I dislike and am afraid of conflict), which is annoying to me and other people. I’m working on it, I swear.

I wanted to mention two specific people that have been haunting me lately. The first concerns my first “real” boyfriend. He was an asshole, and not just a typical guy asshole; he was mean, controlling, manipulative, and he threatened me often. I know why I started dating him, but I don’t know why I stayed. I tell myself I was afraid of him. And I remember being afraid of him. If anything, breaking up with him was one of the first big fears I’ve overcome, so there’s that. The issue with him has turned into an issue with myself. Dealing with him has definitely skewed the way I look at men. I don’t think all men are dogs or anything, but I am highly defensive at times around guys I date. If a guy I’m seeing criticizes me, even if he’s just joking, my guard goes up and I immediately begin explaining myself, loudly and with an obnoxious tone. I don’t want to be the first to get hurt, to be the one that loses power, and I hate that I know this kind of reaction is a result of my interactions with this asshole. For the past 8 years I’ve pretended that everything that happened when I went out with him wasn’t worth dissecting any further, and I was wrong. At least I know now that I can acknowledge what happened and realize it’s okay if I feel shitty about it. I don’t want my relationship with him to affect my life any further.

Another person/incident that keeps popping up is something that happened the day I found out Ryan died. My friend decided to spend the day with me, instead of her boyfriend, because she knew I needed someone, and I am grateful and extremely appreciative that she did that. What just irks me to no end is how her boyfriend reacted. Her boyfriend knew Ryan, he didn’t necessarily like him, but he knew him and knew that Ryan and I went out for a year and a half and had broken up only about 6 months prior. However, he acted like it was no big deal and was actually annoyed when my friend decided to stay with me. She was the only good friend I had anywhere near me at the time. Was I supposed to be the bigger man and tell her boyfriend that I was totally okay with dealing with this by myself, 2,500 miles away from anyone else I know that can hug me and tell me it’s okay? I honestly can’t believe, although I believed it at the time and actually felt bad for feeling bad that Ryan died, that someone could be such a dick about something like that. I suppose at the time it was par for the course. My point is that you would think someone would be sensitive to the situation, even if they didn’t say anything and just realized that I needed someone there, not standing there looking pissed off because I was being “needy.” That’s what it felt like; like I was being judged as needy and weak because I just found out my ex-boyfriend died suddenly. Well, fucking excuse me. That particular memory really gets my blood boiling, but this is the first time I've really acknowledged it. So, I just work from here.

Then - A Paradox

I know I haven't written anything in a while...I just don't know what to write about. I think it's time I thought of a theme for this blog, and then add extraneous posts when I feel the need to write about something outside of the scope of the theme. I like words a whole lot...I was thinking of writing posts about certain words, but that can get boring.

For example, I'm really intrigued by the word "then." It's strange because it means something in the past or future (or a statement of fact). For example, in describing the past you might say, "Back then I could run 4 miles." In describing the future you might say, "Until then let's watch TV." So "then" means that time in the past and, also, that time in the future. Philosophically speaking, because "then" is a certain point of time, regardless of whether it's in the past or future, "then" is some all-encompassing entity of all points in time beyond and before the exact present. Which, it can be argued, means that all points in time that are NOT the exact present, are the same. The only time that is "different" is the time right now, right this second...the ever-present present. However, "then" can also be used in a present tense; "Let's go to the movies then." Saying this indicates that in the present you are deciding where to go (which is actually the future, but forget about that right now), and someone declares to just go to the movies. In that present moment, "then" is being used to express a decision made at that same moment (while it actually means the future).

This is why words amaze me...you can philosophize about the simplest word forever (I could go on and on and on about "then"...actually get into dictionary meanings and proper grammatical format...but this is more of a stream-of-consciousness thing).

To My Former Boss

I finally wrote a quote my old boss needed for his website. It's funny how I first wrote that without the "old." I don't know if I'll ever have a boss quite like him again. He created our team we had at Ahern...he realized how well all of us would work together (ALL of us together - that includes him), and he was absolutely right. Writing the quote made me nostalgic for the old times, but life goes on...to bigger and better things. So, without further ado, here is my quote:

"Mark was much more than my boss - he was, and still is, a mentor and a friend. He has helped me become a more confident person through his goals program and through one-on-one meetings. Mark is always available to talk to about everything, both professional and personal. I continue to talk to him regularly and trust his advice immensely.

Mark’s leadership training gave me the strength to pursue a long time dream of mine - to live in the Mediterranean. I lived in Greece for three months and have every intention of going back in the near future. It was an amazing experience, and I will always be grateful to Mark for showing me that anything is possible."

I am incredibly thankful for the opportunity I was given to work with Mark and the entire Training team. The experience taught me more than I think I even know and ALL of you will always be important to me. Thank you all for creating our environment and team. We were the greatest example of a true team and we are truly UNBREAKABLE in spirit.

The Matrix IS Real

There is a cat that hangs out on the back porches of all the townhouses in my particular tract (Building 8). I'm 99% positive this cat is a stray. The cat is white and fluffy, with fur that's kind of dirty and a little matted. In my experience, dirty, white, and fluffy cats are bitches. I used to have one...her name was Rascal. Not only was she bitchy, but she was a slut. In fact, she was such a sex fiend that she had kittens with her own kitten. And those kittens were retarded. Not severely, but they never grew very big and acted strange. (I know cats usually act strange, but stranger than the normal amount of strangeness.) But my bitchy, slutty cat has nothing to do with this.

So, there's this white cat. I've been here since September 2007. I've seen that cat a million times. I've only ever seen that particular white, fluffy cat. And then, this past New Year's Eve, I saw two dirty, white, and fluffy cats hanging out near our neighbor's back porch. It reminded of that scene in The Matrix when Neo sees that black cat walking by the doorway twice. So, I come inside and tell John that there's just been a glitch in the matrix. I tell him what happened and he laughs. It just seemed so appropriate being New Year's Eve and everything. Since then, I have not seen the original white cat's doppelganger. I determined it really was a glitch in the matrix, but at that point I really had no idea about how right I was.

Fast forward to a few days ago. We see the white cat sitting at the front of John's parking space as we return from the grocery store. As we pulled into the space the cat ran off and I asked John if he remembered when I witnessed the glitch in the matrix. Jokingly, John said he wished the cat had never even existed. I said he just tell the guy who invented the matrix to make the cat so that it had not existed. We had a laugh. We went inside. I came back out to smoke a cigarette about an hour later. I'm just standing outside my front door, minding my own business, when I see this BLACK fluffy cat come out of the bushes. And I have not seen the white cat since.

We are in the matrix. Believe it. The cats don't lie.

Thinking About Stuff...

I know, I know...the title doesn't really give any clues about anything. I've been at a loss for what to write. I keep trying to think of things and nothing is really striking my fancy. I do know that I think about a lot of stuff ALL THE TIME. I just don't know how to organize it. I wish I could file stuff in my head like you do in a computer...it would be quite the file structure. But, alas, brains don't do things that way. And, my thoughts are always overlapping, so I don't know how to keep things focused. I can go from thinking about my car, to thinking about my time in Greece, to thinking about work (where I am now and Ahern), to what I need to do when I get home, to beating myself up for not working out the past 2 days, etc, etc in less than 5 minutes. I have no idea how the thoughts connect. Well, I have an idea, but that's too much to put in here.

I feel like I always want to do so much. Or that I need to do so much. And if I don't do it, then I'll have hell to pay (from myself). I feel like I put pressure on myself and that it's not constructive. I mean, I feel bad if I don't do something I told myself to do. I don't want to do that anymore. I want to have my goals and do them, but allow myself the flexibility. If I'm too rigid I won't do anything (the same if I'm too lax). I guess I feel overwhelmed by my thoughts and thought process because I don't allow the way they work (as in they come and go in the blink of an eye) in the PLAN I have for myself. And I can't really even tell you my plan, other than the obvious things (i.e. I'm going to Boot Camp in September).

In terms of thoughts, that is where I am. That is where I have been for a long time. It's time for an upgrade.

Kind Of Trite, I Know

So, I went through ALL my clothes. I have about half a regular-sized garbage full to give away. I threw away a couple things. I needed to find clothes that are "business casual" for my new job. I have quite a few things, but the problem is (not that's it's a real problem) that they all old. I got some of the stuff when I was in college and just after. The clothes are still in good shape, but, you know, I've had them a long time. Also, I lost quite a bit of weight, so some stuff is big on me. (I'm definitely not complaining about that.) I got rid of all the stuff that's way too big, however, I still feel as though I'm swimming in some of the clothes. I have quite a few sweaters that can pass as "business casual," and, luckily, sweaters always look kind of big on people, so that's cool. My issue is, when you get right down to it, I want some new clothes. I want like 4-5 pants/skirts and like 10-12 new shirts. Plus, I want a pair of closed-toe brown and beige shoes and a black pair. I need underwear, bras, and knee highs. I have a couple things that need to get hemmed. So, I want to find a place to do that. Also, I need my hair trimmed. Normally, I don't really care about any of this, but I really don't feel comfortable in many of the clothes I tried on. I do have a great pair of gray slacks, though. Plus, I have this great brown blazer (however, I do not have a skirt or pair of pants to match). I know going nuts and getting new clothes is not the best idea ever. I will probably lose more weight (which is awesome) and I am leaving for the Navy in 6.5 months. Plus, I have no money at the moment. I want something though (and more than just underwear). Dammit.

P.S. I'm really not complaining about losing weight. I just wish I had some money to buy a few cute things at Target.

I Love Punk Rock

I recently burned a CD of various Pennywise songs and I have to say, I love it. I've listened to a few Pennywise songs before, but only because John listens to them. I decided to burn the CD and listen to it over and over again in my car, which is normally how I learn the words of songs. What I love about punk rock is how it grows on me. Sometimes it's difficult to understand what they're singing, but after 3-4 times, you can make out most of the words. And I'm always impressed by what punk rockers have to say. For example, the song "Same Old Story" by Pennywise has this great chorus:

"I'm not cut from the same mold
Don't know who you think I should be
I'm not cut from the same mold
I don't read from the same old story
I'm not cut from the same mold
Done with yours, I'm living life for me."

I still wonder how I missed out on punk rock as a teenager (well, I listened to it a little, but it was very little). It's angry, poignant, and it can truly put into words ways I've felt or feel now. The example I gave generally expresses how I've felt I "fit in" with others since I was about 15 years old. I still feel this way. I love that I keep finding songs and bands that I can relate to like this. It's life-affirming.

March 1, 2009

This is the day I'm choosing to quit smoking. It's actually hard for me to say I'm actually picking that day instead of "thinking about" picking that day. I've smoked for about 10 years. When I was 17 I wanted to be "cool" and "bad," so I decided to start smoking. I don't remember a time when I didn't need/want a cigarette. I've thought about quitting for over a year now, but always made an excuse about it. You know, something about how my life was too stressful to quit...it would be too hard. Well, I've come to the conclusion that it will be hard no matter when I quit. And while I've felt some physical effects of cigarettes for awhile (yucky taste in my mouth, coughing, and actually being able to feel my limited lung capacity when I'm working out), they haven't been motivation enough. Now, however, I really feel like I NEED to quit. I NEED to be able to RUN 1.5 miles in 16 minutes. Right now I can run a little, but mostly walk (while being very winded) 1.5 miles in a little less than 20 minutes. I can't smoke in Boot Camp, and that's 8-9 weeks. I really don't think I need to deal with withdrawal symptoms while I'm getting yelled at for not having a perfect hospital corner on my sheet.

I'm nervous about quitting, even though I know I will feel 100 times better. It's been a part of me for a really long time, and it'll be difficult to let that part of me go. For me, it's not just the addiction to nicotine...it's everything. I smoke almost everywhere except in people's houses and non-smoking places. Many things are triggers for me. This experience is essentially going to suck, but I really need to do this. I thought about limiting the # of cigarettes I smoke and working myself down to zero, but when I think of that plan I can tell I may be unable to give up my morning cigarette. I think I need to just quit smoking all together and get nicotine gum. I'll probably need like a month where I only go to non-smoking places, and I won't be able to go anywhere where there's easy access to smoking. So, not only is this about quitting smoking, it's about changing my lifestyle (at least for awhile), which makes this task seem even more difficult. I'm ready to cry right now thinking about it.

Floppy and Scooting: A Forum

Floppy is a great word. Think about a person being floppy. What exactly would that entail? Would they act like a fish out of water, and, perhaps more importantly, why would they be acting that way? It's an amusing image. Maybe a floppy person is someone who is really, really fat. And they kind of flop from place to place to get around. How could "floppy" be a personality trait? I suppose it could be someone who flip-flops on decisions, as in, they can't make up their mind. What do you think?

Scooting is also a fabulous word. You can scoot to get closer to something or someone. Personally, I like the word best when it's used to describe a car "scooting" closer to the main road while it's at a stop sign or coming out of a parking lot. Also, is "scooting" the term used to describe what you are doing when you ride a scooter? Do people say, "Let's go scooting" or "Let's go for a scoot"? If they don't, they should.

Now, is there anytime "floppy" and "scooting" can both be used in the same sentence? I suppose you could have a fat person riding a scooter, and the situation is not going well. For example, "That guy is trying to go scooting, but is entirely too floppy to get around with any efficiency." What examples can you think of?

My Student Loan Help Idea

I couldn't really sleep last night, so I started thinking about my student loan help/relief idea. Like I said in a prior post, it would be a non-profit organization. I would like to set up some kind of tutoring facility. We would tutor kids from 6th-7th grade to 12th grade, plus have writing help for college kids. Maybe even some kind of study help (I think having tutoring on college subjects would be too big of an area...at least to begin with.) There could be English as a Second Language program, maybe even some basic Spanish. I would also like classes/seminars for people of all ages to learn more about basic finance, time management, goal setting, etc. Most programs would have to cost something, but I would like to keep it at the lower end of the average if possible, maybe even have some kind of program to reduce costs (either for financial reasons, or the participant volunteers time at the facility). We would offer some free courses (with a minimum donation of $1 or something). Also, I would like to have student loan counselors. People that help kids decipher student loans before, during, and after college. Find ways to help people manage payments. I don't know anything about how business works, especially non-profit stuff, but I imagine it's possible to get some federal/government grants to at least help you begin the business. Obviously we would need paid full-time employees, and I would definitely want to have health care available to them, but I think a lot of work may get done by volunteers or college students who can use it as work study, internship, or as a part-time job. They wouldn't get paid a whole lot, but enough for some spending or saving. I also thought it would be neat to have different fundraisers. We could organize walks, sales from those different catalog programs, an online donation center, straight donations, etc. I would want to work closely with other non-profits in the community in order to strengthen our forces and show community spirit. I was even thinking of having items in vending machines (at the facility) cost a little more (maybe 10-25 cents more) that would be part of the overall donations. Like I said, I have no idea how this works. I need to do some serious research, and this idea probably wouldn't become a reality for a few years. However, I really like this idea and am looking forward to learning more about business and to see if this is even feasible. It would have to start out small, but I think an ultimate goal would be to have $500,000+ available to give away annually for student loan relief and smaller percentage of that total for regular scholarships. Regular scholarships would be handed out like most scholarships...it would be based on school performance, financial need, and a personal essay. The student loan relief would be handled differently, but some kind of measures would have to be in place. We would handle any kind of schooling (undergrad, graduate, technical, law, medical, etc.) For the employees I would also like some kind of special program for themselves or their loved ones where they can get funds for education (tuition assistance, special college savings fund, etc.). Our mission statement would include the idea that education is vital, and everyone who wants the chance to go to college deserves it, without being put off by financial factors.

Ridiculous True Story #1

Ridiculous True Stories are going to consist of exactly what the title implies.

I was somewhere between the ages of 13 and 15. It was a Saturday or Sunday morning, probably Sunday, and my Mom had made pancakes for breakfast. I remember the day being sunny and there was a joviality in the air. My brother and I (not my oldest brother, the other one, who is older than me) were the only ones left at the table. There were 2-3 pancakes left on the pancake plate (which was just a regular plate used to transport pancakes from the griddle to the center of the table). Zach, my brother, wanted them. I wanted them. It was going to be an epic battle. I'm not sure why we couldn't share, but rational thought was obviously not an option. Before I could grab the delicious flapjacks, Zach picked one up and licked it. I was not deterred. I grabbed all of them and put them on my plate. And I ate them. Victory was mine!

Fitness Goals

I need to write these out. I have not been following them the past week and I can definitely feel it. It's amazing how much you can feel your body change. For example, I probably put back on 2 pounds and I feel blah. Plus, I've noticed my face is not as clear as it was before. So, starting tomorrow (when I go to the grocery store), I will buy food that is good for me and start my healthy diet again. Plus, I will begin working out for an hour a day again. My diet will be strict like it was before, but only until I get back to where I was a week ago. After that, I will be less of food Nazi with myself. Also, I need to go to the grocery store when we are out of good food. It doesn't matter if I don't want to go. You see, what happens when there is no good food in the house, is that we go out to eat or get fast food, and that is just awful. I'm trying really hard not to beat myself up about being a total sluggy sloth this week, but I need to give myself some positive discipline (whatever that means...I just made it up). And, I need to get myself used to running. One of my first purchases once I have a job will be good running sneakers. So, yeah, I need to have a chart or something, but, like I said before, to not be a Nazi about food or exercise time. If I don't enjoy it, I won't do it, and then I will feel like I do now.

So It Begins...

I want to do this. I want to have a blog and learn all about blogging. I want a forum for my ideas and see if there is a pattern to all the crazy thoughts in my head. I want this to help me organize my thoughts. I wake up some days with so much running through my head and have no idea where to start. Sometimes I never really do. And feeling overwhelmed when you're unemployed just doesn't make sense to me. I can be stressed, but not overwhelmed.

I've been applying to jobs like crazy...there is nothing out there, not really. I'm hoping February is my lucky month. Let's cross our fingers. I did my taxes today. I'm getting a nice amount back, and that should keep me afloat another month. I need to register my car in April and that's going to cost a pretty penny because Nevada bases your registration costs on the value of your car. Now, it'll be less than last year, but probably still about $300. I need to send the forbearance paperwork to my student loan providers, plus the paperwork for the student loan repayment plan the Navy does (which is a huge reason I decided to join). I've promised the universe that once I have a grip on this financial mess I'm in, I will work as hard as possible to get out of and stay out of debt.

I really want to have enough money and ambition to one day start a non-profit organization that helps college grads in situations like my own. It would be "scholarships" for those who already graduated, and they don't have to be in graduate school, to help with the costs of student loans. Entry level pay, in my experience, can pay for most bills, but it doesn't allow you to pay any extra on principle or to save any decent amount (like enough for 3 months of pay in case you lose your job). I admit I could've been smarter with my money. I could've been more frugal. But, to tell you the truth, I've beat myself up over that for the past 3 months and it hasn't fixed any of my financial problems. So, anyway, I would one day like to be able to help those in the same situation I'm in now. Education is important, and no one should ever feel their education wasn't worth it because of loan issues.