March 1, 2009

This is the day I'm choosing to quit smoking. It's actually hard for me to say I'm actually picking that day instead of "thinking about" picking that day. I've smoked for about 10 years. When I was 17 I wanted to be "cool" and "bad," so I decided to start smoking. I don't remember a time when I didn't need/want a cigarette. I've thought about quitting for over a year now, but always made an excuse about it. You know, something about how my life was too stressful to quit...it would be too hard. Well, I've come to the conclusion that it will be hard no matter when I quit. And while I've felt some physical effects of cigarettes for awhile (yucky taste in my mouth, coughing, and actually being able to feel my limited lung capacity when I'm working out), they haven't been motivation enough. Now, however, I really feel like I NEED to quit. I NEED to be able to RUN 1.5 miles in 16 minutes. Right now I can run a little, but mostly walk (while being very winded) 1.5 miles in a little less than 20 minutes. I can't smoke in Boot Camp, and that's 8-9 weeks. I really don't think I need to deal with withdrawal symptoms while I'm getting yelled at for not having a perfect hospital corner on my sheet.

I'm nervous about quitting, even though I know I will feel 100 times better. It's been a part of me for a really long time, and it'll be difficult to let that part of me go. For me, it's not just the addiction to nicotine...it's everything. I smoke almost everywhere except in people's houses and non-smoking places. Many things are triggers for me. This experience is essentially going to suck, but I really need to do this. I thought about limiting the # of cigarettes I smoke and working myself down to zero, but when I think of that plan I can tell I may be unable to give up my morning cigarette. I think I need to just quit smoking all together and get nicotine gum. I'll probably need like a month where I only go to non-smoking places, and I won't be able to go anywhere where there's easy access to smoking. So, not only is this about quitting smoking, it's about changing my lifestyle (at least for awhile), which makes this task seem even more difficult. I'm ready to cry right now thinking about it.